Ok, I am going to be whiny and self indulgent right now. I have been holding it in and it just needs to come out. I am sorry in advance.
I am tired of autism. I wish it would go away, I thought it was going away, but it's not. It lurks in the corners and pops out for a sucker punch when I least expect it. But again, it's my own dumb fault for not even seeing you there in the first place. Where the hell else would you be?
It's a lesson I need to learn over and over and over again. I think I am accepting of you, but I am not. I am pretending you are not there. That is not accepting.
It sucks. I hate this process. I hate what I am doing to myself. I hate that I feel this way.
Sometimes I feel like my son is an alien to me. I feel like I am a crappy mother because of that. He is struggling in school, but I can't get a clear picture of what is making it hard, where is the problem? I want to fix it, but I am not sure I can. Why is he so angry? Is it a reflection of my anger? Why am I so angry? We don't have it that bad at all. I know this to be true, yet I am still complaining.
I used to think he was flying under the radar. I used to think we were 'fooling people'. You know, who do we really need to fool anymore? Does it matter? Can't you just be who you are? These are the questions I am asking myself right now. Does it involve telling everyone you know that your child is 'on the spectrum'? Is it really anyone and every one's business? Does it make things any easier? Or more complicated because then your son becomes a subset of behaviors, generalizations and stereotypes. Instead of five year old boy. I just want him to be who he is, but with out all the difficulty. I cannot figure out h0w to extract all of that.
Yea, I sound crazy right now. It's report card time, and annual review. I am really torn about what to do. So, this crazy ranting right now, I just have to do it.