The big question

I totally believe that everything happens for a reason. I do. I guess that might be part of my religious beliefs, which are a part of my own homemade religion. I think though, sometimes you just have no business going and asking just what those reasons are. It's a can of worms and it is not productive. I do try and find the lesson and I try really hard to move on in a positive direction. I do, I swear.
I do think my son was sent to me on purpose. My child teaches me more than I can ever teach him. He has been teaching me a lot lately. Perhaps I was a little low in the patience department, so the powers that be decided to test that patience. A lot. Maybe I don't think it's a big deal to take your bathing suit off and put it on the right way, instead of backwards before going out. But to my son, it was monumental. He didn't want to change it. He told me so, rather screamed it so for a half an hour yesterday. He is just starting to have an understanding of empathy, and I think it confuses him. He told me this morning he was sorry for crying. I am sorry for it too. I wish I knew what was going on in his brain right now to be causing so much angst. I know from my psychology books that all change causes anxiety. It is a necessary part of life, critical to moving forward and needed to get to the next step. It's tough for all of us, it's so tough to see your child going through it.

It's all a little tender right now. One of my cousins (actually my dad's cousin's son) just passed away last night. He was 29. I used to babysit for him. When he was little (I believe one or two), he was diagnosed with Leukemia. It was heartbreaking what he had to endure. He was a feisty little guy, always tearing the house apart, full of energy. He beat it, and went on with his life. I am sure that it was always in the back of his and his families mind, lurking in the corners as I am sure it is for anyone with cancer in remission. As I watched him grow up, I always thought he was an old soul in a young body. For all the crap that he went through, how could he not. The rambunctious toddler turned into a very quiet, socially awkward, sweet kind person. The kind of person who would not hurt a fly. He went to the high school where I taught. I couldn't help but think about how his childhood forever changed his path as a person. Could it be the chemicals pumped into him at an early age (which saved his life) or just having to think about all that heavy stuff way too young?
I had heard a few months ago that he had cancer again. The doctors said that it wasn't related to the leukemia. But how could it not be? He was at Sloane-Kettering getting treatment. Apparently, the stem cell treatment caused scarring on his lungs. He had a bout of pneumonia. The other night my parents called and told me they were going to the hospital to say their goodbyes. I was shocked. I had no idea. I think that when I hear of something sad, I instantly translate it into my life. How would I feel? As a mom, it took my breath away. It gives you a little clarity on what's important in life, but it also gives me anxiety thinking that the life you know could be taken away at an instant. I imagine a giant withered hand poking you on the shoulder and a big loud voice saying 'you, you need to come with me' and off you go. I cannot imagine, and I am afraid to even think about, what it must be like for his parents and grandparents right now. The natural order of things is off, way off.

I am so sorry to be such a downer. For me, I spent the morning squeezing the life out of my son telling him over and over again how much I love him. And trying not to feel horribly guilty for all of his tantrums lately. And grateful for all I have. And sad for my cousin and his family.

Circles....

Two years ago, when I was a newbie to the world of cpse and all the joys that go with it, I was faced with the agonizing decision of what do with bubs. I really wanted to keep him at home, status quo with our 19.5 hours per week of aba and 30 minutes 2x of o.t. I figured I would take him to a typical preschool a few times a week for socialization and peer modeling. I wish I could make that screeching to a halt sound over the computer, because those plans were circular filed after my first meeting with the Department Chair for special ed. She told me it wasn't my decision, and my first reaction to her was 'what...oh no she didn't....' and I told her ultimately it was my decision. I am his mother for heaven's sake. OK, so we didn't hit it off that well, and I am still not all that comfortable with her. She 'suggested' that I check out bubs' current school (which in spite of my complaints as of late, I am still thrilled with). Bubs' school has the word 'autism' in it's name and I gotta tell you that was a biiiiiiigggggggg turnoff to me. I was still clinging ever so lovingly to the pdd-nos thing, even though it's a matter of semantics to me now, back then it was a huge deal. Ok, so I didn't like it cause of the name. Bubs school has a reputation of it being kind of intense, the children all have their own rooms (cubicles to some) and work one on one for the most part of the day (when they first start out there). Combine that with the fact that I felt this chairperson lady to be a huge bully and I became somewhat 'defensive'. I yelled and told her that she had no idea who my son was, and where he should go to school. It was bad. I soon realized that I was not going to get the same services that e.i . so generously provided (thanks to my rediculous property taxes) when we transitioned to school district. They were not going to budge on that. So I went and looked at a few center based programs. The school district hooked me up with another parent from the district who had a son who attended the program. She was so kind and listened to me in my raw emotional state. She comisserated with me and shared that she had the very same reservations about putting her son in 'the school'. She also told me how great her son was doing.

My husband and I got the call that there was an opening at the 'autism named' school and I didn't want to even consider it as an option. We went anyway. We were pleasantly surprised to see a relatively cheerful place that had happy children's artwork displayed everywhere. Kids were actually out and walking around (supervised) and not chained to the wall in their barracks. Some even said hello to us. It really challenged what I had previously believed. Dare I say I was......wrong (never)?

So we took the plunge and enrolled him there, I apologized to the scary Chairperson for being so 'defensive' and I redeemed myself and became a parent member for the district. Yesterday I got a call from the district that they had some parents in for their transition meeting and felt their son would really be a good candidate for 'bubs' school'. Surprise surprise they (the parents) were not keen on the idea, for the very same reasons we were not keen. The school district wanted me to call and give her our experiences with 'the school' since not too long ago we were in the same boat. I called. I made it clear that I wasn' t a henchman sent from the district to coerce them to enroll their son in a center. That said, it kind of took me back to a not so happy time in my life. I felt so bad for them and all the critical decisions they had to make, when they should have been celebrating their child's upcoming 3rd birthday. It also made me think, wow... who would have thunk I would be on the other side of that phone call.