Don't worry about a thing...

I feel like a big downer lately. It's a valley right now. Peak must be imminent soon, that's the cycle of life, right? It's usually around this time that I will hear 'Three little birds" on the radio and have some kind of epiphany.
I just started reading this book called "When things fall apart" by Pema Chodron. She is the first American woman ordained as a Buddhist Nun and she is a teacher at Gampo Abbey in Nova Scotia. I looked it up to see if I could perhaps pop in there for a weekend or so, to you know, get some inner peace. You have to commit to at least 6 months and probably shave your head. I will just try and read the book for now. While the book has a pretty grim title (and I have to admit, that is what drew me to it) it's about finding some sort of peace in the midst of turmoil. It's very simple and very difficult at the same time. I used to read books like this back in the day, all the time. Like candy. I just don't think I ever really absorbed any information from them. Plus the fact that while I have had serious bouts of depression and anxiety in my life, things really got monumental after I had a child. It's like whatever I felt before, intensified ten fold, both the joyful and the sad. So I guess, this book is all the more relevant to me now.
The thing with my husband is ok for now. Some lines of communication have opened. It will be ok. My bubs, well he is having some problems right now at school. Not sure if I am happy about the way the school is handling it, not sure how I am handling it. I realized last night while therapeutically crying my eyes out watching 'Celebrity Rehab', that this is just the way things are right now, I am fearful, it's making me sad, but I am not always going to feel this way, I am not alone, and this too shall pass.

Home from the theee a ter.

So we went to Ice Capades last night and we survived. I tend to look at these events as a risk, purely because I carry my own expectations of how things should go, how bubs should be, and generally, that's not the best way to take a risk. I guess I tend to take 'calculated risks'. That's only fair when the expectations are on me solely, not on another human being, particularly a little unpredictable four year old human being.
Putting my neurosis, expectations, yada yada, aside, I think we all had a great time. Bubs was entranced by the whole newness of it all. Going out after it's dark out, to a huge arena, the vendors (oh the vendors!) and all the people. As soon as we got in the doors we located the essential angler fish flashlight (a total bargain at only 18 dollars!). Then on the way to our seats, bubs asked for a sno cone in the collectible nemo cup. I had no idea he even knew what a sno cone was called. So ten bucks and one uneaten drippy sno cone later, we headed to our seats. Once seated, bubs was so excited to see all the people, not knowing what to expect. I was really afraid he wouldn't be able to sit, it's really hard for him to sit still for longer than, oh , two minutes. He did great with this. Once the show started he really seemed to be enjoying it. I think it confused him when everyone clapped after the first big number. He asked if it was over, which I thought was a valid question although I was afraid it meant that he wanted it to be over. He knows the story of Nemo, we can all quote lines from it because it was bubs' first introduction to the wonders of the sea. I don't know if he was following the story line, but he knew all of the characters. So yeah, I think he liked it, no tantrums were thrown, even when he asked for cotton candy (with the collectible nemo hat attached) and we politely declined. Not a verbal protest in sight. There was a little stimming, which is my fault because we need to get him a haircut. He has been shaking his head from side to side to feel his hair move and then visually tracking the bangs, which are too long. That can be taken care of quite easily and it will a.s.a.p. But that was it.

As far as the show goes, I have a very soft spot in my heart for Nemo- my bubs is my little nemo with his one short little fin. I also relate well to Marlin, we think alike. I got a little teary in the beginning of the show realizing that we were sitting there doing something I never thought we'd be able to do. I also got a little teary when Nemo and Dory were stuck in the mouth of the whale and Dory said that it was time for Marlin to let go. I agree with her.

Just keep swimming...

On a lighter note, in about a half an hour we are packing up the family unit and heading on over to our local arena for a rousing night of consumerism! We are going to see "Nemo on Ice". It's uncharted waters for us with regards to shows and stuff. The last time I attempted this was when bubs was 18 months old and we went to see some elmo fiasco. Bubs was watching tv one night and a commercial came on for the ice capades and he expressed interest in it. So I took a chance and got us 3 tickets for tonight. Considering the most exciting thing we do as a family these days is food shopping, I have been really looking forward to it. I think Bubs is too and I really hope he enjoys it! I hear they have an angler fish flashlight, which will be one of the highlights (hmm, no pun intended) of the evening.

Someone give this lady a xanax-STAT!

Ok, it's official, I have lost my ever loving mind. Let's preface this by saying it's been an unusually emotional day for some reason (is mars in retrograde or something?). Bubs goes to a 'typical' preschool three afternoons a week, with one of the assistant teachers going with him as a shadow. It must be said that this girl is a sweetheart, we love her, she is awesome. I am not particularly close with any of the moms, it's probably me and my neurosis, but I much prefer school socializing with my autism peeps. It might not be outrageous to say I have a wee chip on my shoulder, or perhaps I am just defensive. I am working on this as a person. I think I need to heal a chakra or two. At any rate, I just go and pick him up and get the hell out of there as fast as I can.
Today I was waiting on the line in front of the classroom to pick up bubs. Usually I am first, but today I wasn't. There is a little counter with the kid's mailboxes on it. Each kid has a little slot. I notice that all of the slots except for two have what look like party invites in them. I look and look and I notice that my bubs and this other kid don't have invites. The other kid happens to have a few issues (not dx with anything), but I know this from bubs' shadow that he has some trouble getting along with others. So at first a slight panic comes over me. Then I get angry, then I get hurt. How could these mean cruel mothers do this to MY SON! I am serious when I say that I had tears welling up in my eyes. I finally get to sign my precious child out of this godforsaken class and I was doubly relieved to see bubs' shadow give me the thumbs up signal from the corner of the room, letting me know that he was a 'good listener' and we could proceed to Michael's (arts and crafts store) to pick out and purchase desired reinforcers (today's pick was a gila monster and an octopus).
So we hustle out the door and I strap bubs in and wait patiently for beloved shadow to come out after all the parents have left the parking lot. I wonder if this is really worth the effort to continue this little charade at this point. I am trying to hold my tears back when I say 'I noticed the other children got party invites and bubs' cubby was empty'. She proceeded to pull out the invite out of her pocket and said that she held it for bubs because he wanted to open it and she didn't want him to in class. I felt like a big stupid ass. I also said I noticed 'the other kid' didn't get an invite either and she said it was his party. Duh. Big freakin DUH. I then went on to apologize and tell her that she must think I am a total nutjob. She being the complete angel that she is, smiled and told me she couldn't even begin to understand what I am going through and that she knows how worried I am. She told me that none of the kids would ever exclude bubs from a party and that they all love him. I just kept on feeling like a big ass.
I seriously need to start meditating. Not to get all new age on you, but this kind of thinking brings you nothing but bad energy.

My spirtual game of whack a mole

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps that is my faith, my religion or my reason for getting up in the morning, what have you. I struggle with control issues, big time. I know I have passed that trait on to my son. I have managed to get by, and I worry about how he is going to fare in this world. Not just because of his control issues,and somehow- asd aside (if that could ever be possible) I think it's a mother's job to worry. It's amazing since I am also a black belt at worrying, that I never really considered before becoming pregnant,the entirely vast realm of worry I would encounter as a mother. Ahh, who am I kidding, you could never prepare for this.
I think I am freaking out because kindergarten is looming on the horizon and I can't tell if it's the Goodyear blimp or a b-12 bomber. I am being told by the powers that be that bubs won't be able to attend his current school over the summer. That wasn't the situation I had in my head. I thought he would continue along and seamlessly transition to his new school in September. Wrong. So this change of plans is causing me much anxiety and all these questions keep popping up in my head regarding what the hell is going to happen for us. I am constantly having a mental argument with myself, like a mini cpse meeting going on with me coming up with all of these reasons why bubs needs to have his summer services. This in turn is causing me to focus in on all of bubs's weaknesses instead of strengths which in turn is causing me great angst. He is doing so well, working so hard and yet I am unable to remember the specifics of those at this particular moment in time. I am too busy seeing him lose his shit during his after school gym class, and not be able to sit in one place longer than five seconds, and shake his head back and forth visually tracking his bangs on his face. Agggggh, I hate this. Hate this!!!!

My poor bubs. I have got to get a grip on it. Yesterday he got off the bus so distraught. He usually skips off the bus and asks 'where are we going today?' but he was unusually quiet and reserved. I asked him how school was and he didn't say anything. I asked again (I guess that's where he gets it from) and he said 'I wasn't good at circle time today, I didn't get treasure box, I was sad, I cried'. My poor bubs. I think he too is feeling the pressure. I tried to get more info out of him, mainly if he was a good friend. I wanted to make sure he wasn't 'cha cha-ing' his friend or knocking down their block creations. He said he was. I later found out he was running around like a loony bird during musical chairs. The big problem came when they told him he wasn't getting treasure box. He flipped out. I think that is what he felt most bad about. While I felt terrible about this, I had to stop and remind myself that a year ago he wouldn't have been able to tell me that he actually went to circle time let alone how he felt about it.

My son has an internal cha cha

I don't know if I can explain this correctly. People that know bubs know exactly what I am talking about when I say he has an internal cha cha thing happening. It's like he has his own rhythm or pace and it's kind of like his own internal metronome. It starts at six a.m. when he is laying next to me on the bed completely incapable of not hitting or tapping me, to the ever present 'da da da-da da -dah'. I cannot seem to get him to stop smacking me around. It's really driving me nuts. It's not in anger, it's just something he does. I probably said 'stop that' too many times and it has now been elevated to 'attention seeking' status which is a royal pain in the ass to get rid of. Ok, so after I have been sufficiently abused out of my sleep deprived coma, we come downstairs and on the way down the steps bubs is singing a song, what kind of song you ask? Well it's a made up song, consisting of one word sung to the rhythm of da da da-da da dah, this morning in particular it was 'welcome welcome wel-come'. It seems to be pervasive (how's that for a word). We even have one for 'pee pee on the pot-ty'. I was thinking about this today, and wondering if I had some kind of internal theme happening for myself. Mine is like something that is need of new batteries, like the clock that runs really fast and then the next moment really slow. I guess I have a wonky metronome running my show. All I know is, there's no cha cha goin on.

'I'll be playing here all week'-vol 2, the junior version

My son likes to get up at the ass crack of dawn. He does not take after me in this respect. So this morning at 6 a.m. I am awakened by a figure standing very close to my head. Oh, I know that kid. So I scoop him up and place him so Oedipusly (or 'Electra-ish, whichever made up word you prefer) in between me and the husband. He is squirming and moving and tapping me and singing. He is basically trying anything to get our attention. Finally after a nice long thirty seconds of silence, we hear 'knock knock'. I know I am half in a coma, so I can guess big daddy is as well. 'Um, I said, knock knock', the little voice in between us says. 'KNOCK KNOCK' , one last time, slightly louder than the last two. So we oblige- 'who's there?'. 'Orange' he says. 'Orange who?', says us. 'Orange you going to get up and play with me?'. Perhaps I should teach him my tom jones joke?