Enquiring minds...

This kindergarten/real world business is hard for me. Last night bubs' school had something called 'Family fun night', it was like a mini carnival for the kids and it was held in the gym and the cafeteria. Me being in need of control of my surroundings volunteered to work it. It was my first 'pta event'. I feel like I need to get a handle on this school and maybe make some friends. But I find that we are straddling two worlds here, not entirely comfortable in each. We left the autism world in which we were immersed to join the land of the neurotypicals. Not sure how to toggle both.
First off, I was in the gym manning my bean bag station when a little girl came up to take a turn. Her aunt was with her and I could tell she was in kindy. She had a somewhat unusual name, which I will just abbreviate as 's'. So after hearing her name, I asked 's' if she was in bubs' class. She said yes, and I told her that bubs came home with a picture she made him the first week of school and it was beautiful. She proceeded to tell me how annoying my son was. She actually said 'bubs annoys me'. I asked her just what did he do to bother her so much. You know what her answer was? 'He always is saying 'hello' to me and wants to play with me'. She went on and on and on. Ya know we spent the better part of the last 4 or so years trying to get my son to say the word 'hello' and navigate the maze of social interactions involved in getting someone to play with you. It is hard to kind of regulate, and my bubs does need to learn some boundaries and improve his ability to read social cues. I just don't believe he is as horrible as this little princess made him out to be. In all fairness, her aunt was mortified and she did report back to the girls mom who was manning the popcorn station in the cafeteria.
So now I spent the duration of the evening wondering if my son is socially inappropriate. I got transferred out of the gym and moved to a table in the cafeteria. A woman came up to me and asked me if I was bubs' mom and I said yes. It was 's's' mom. She profusely apologized for her daughters remark. I of course told her it was no problem and that she was just voicing her opinion and that my son is super friendly and doesn't always know when to quit.
I must also explain that bubs' is in the inclusion class. Which means that there are 12 'typical' (and I use that term loosely) in the class and 8 classified. I feel like I need an instruction manual on how to deal with this. At some point in the convo with 's's' mom she of course had to ask me where we lived. This is not our neighborhood school. I told her that, and I told her that my son was one of the inclusion kids, because she looked like she already figured it out. Of course another mom close by who has a daughter in bubs' class scooted on over to join in our convo. Look, they were really friendly but I just felt like I was cornered. 'S's' mom proceeded to ask me what was the matter with my son, and why was he in inclusion. She said she noticed that all the inclusion kids seemed fine and that none of them 'had a third arm growing out of their head, or anything'. Gee, think of all the countless hours of therapy I wasted on my child, since he didn't have the requisite third leg growing out of his skull. I think I had a 'look' on my face because she then said I didn't have to answer if I didn't want to. Oh really. I made up some vagueness about speech delays and early intervention just to end the conversation.

I am VERY proud of bubs and under the right circumstances I will share. But this woman should have controlled her curiosity, and I really think that was all it was. She wasn't mean, just overly nosy. But it was the third time that night someone asked me what bus stop I was at/where I lived/ who is my son's teacher. Normal questions I suppose. Nothing outlandish. But it was a real conversation killer when I delivered my answer. You can almost hear the crickets chirping.
I know I am super sensitive. I probably sound like a paranoid nut job. I just don't know how to handle all this.
We were super insulated, super nurtured and I had a really tight (and still have)bond with some of the moms I met at bubs' old school. It was a wonderful support system. I am now in a world where people don't know where we came from. They think that I came from where they came from. I am not ashamed of my son at all. I am just fiercely protective of him. Fiercely. I never want anyone to not want to be his friend because of a label or to gossip about him, or to even look at him with a strange curiosity. I want them to see the goodness in him, to know that he is an individual. I am afraid people will just hear the word autism and think of rain man or headbanging and be frightened. I also feel like the burden should not be on my child to change their mind about it. I don't know where we are headed down this road, and into or out of those proverbial 'woods'. Once you are 'out of the closet' you cannot go back in.
It's different for everyone. I have friends who have cards they hand out in public places, for the very same reason I don't want to tell anyone. So that people will treat their children with kindness and understanding. They don't want anyone judging if their child is stimming, or having a meltdown. It's really all part of the same post traumatic stress disorder we are collectively going through.
I know I am reading way too much into this. I know most people aren't that judgy (or at least I hope not) . I know that 's's' mom was just being nosy and trying to gain an understanding of what makes a child qualify for special ed, although I really did think her daughter was 'one of us' and perhaps had some social issues. I know. I just don't know how to handle it.

I'm bringing crazy back...

Dreams are really crazy. Since I stopped taking my sleep aids (overt the counter since the ambien ran out) my dreams have been particularly insane. I can't even believe I am writing about this. I don't think I would even admit I had this dream in real life. Although I think that while this dream was bizarre, it did send me a message that I needed to get.

OK, so my dream was about Justin Timberlake. He is not someone I particularly find 'hot' and I am not really into his music. I don't hate him or anything, he just doesn't 'do it' for me, well at least for my conscious mind. My unconscious mind I have no control over.

In my dream, I somehow met JT (as he will be known from this point on). Don't ask me how. I don't know where my husband and child were during this time period, they existed though because they were conspicuous in their absence. So I met JT and ugh, I can't even believe I am typing this... We met and we 'connected' and we became 'friends'. Nothing dirty happened, and that was my dream decision. For some reason, JT liked me. I was totally myself in the dream. 42 years of age, borderline frump, at least 50 lbs overweight, in need of some highlights and a trim ... you get it? In spite of that JT liked me, he really liked me. We hung out. Perhaps he was in need of a mother figure, but it's way too trippy to try and analyze his motives for being in my dream. I remember being on his tour bus and deciding that I couldn't leave the fabulous life I already had to go and join JT and his merry hipsters on his way cool tour bus. I remember thinking (do we think in our dreams?) that I would miss my child (duh) and my husband. I felt guilty for being there (and for even having this stupid dream) and while I enjoyed the whole situation, I felt like I belonged in my old boring life. It really is a wonderful life... and everytime you hear 'bringing sexy back' an angel gets his wings.....So I broke poor JT's smarmy little heart. I think he'll survive.There was also a paparazzi situation but I won't even get into that.

OK, now that I have completely embarrassed myself, I am throwing out this question to my readers: Have you had questionable dreams about someone that in your waking hours kind of repulses you? Or am I alone on this one? I won't even begin to tell you about the eminem dreams I have had (more than once,lol).

OK, this post might get deleted at any time due to my mortification.

The dingo ate my blog

OK, last night I tried to log on to my blog and I kept getting a message that Internet explorer could not open it. "Operation Aborted", which I always find to be such a lovely saying. I was convinced someone hacked into my blog. There goes my troubled mind again. I must have some great sense of self to think that anyone would take the time to hack into my blog.

So now that I am back to reality and I did a little digging, I found out that it's a site meter problem. So I deleted the site meter, but I did save the code. I really miss my site meter. I found it really entertaining. The other day, someone googled 'pitchers of girls with bubs' and found their way to my humble abode. Boy were they disappointed. Most of the time I just see my location on there.

At any rate, I am back in business and I can breathe a sigh of relief.

It's my 100th Post

I had big plans for this post. I really did. But those plans fizzled yesterday morning when bubs came up to me while I was sewing, rubbing his head, telling me 'my head is failed, mom'. 'What?', I said. 'It's failed, my head is failed', he said again, in a sad kind of way. So I figured he had a headache. The day before we went to the skankiest burger king I have ever been in. It was gee -ross. My friend Mary met us there, she carries bleach with her at all times, and even that wasn't enough to wipe away the skeeviness that surrounded us. So yeah, bubs' head failed due to the germ pit I exposed him to the day before. It was confirmed when my friend Mary called me up shortly after and told me her son requested that band aids be put on his ears. Our children are a very poetic bunch.
I get very anxious when my son gets sick. Un-naturally anxious. It kills me. I stress out about how he is feeling, what could be wrong, do you think it's strep, oh no not strep, I can't make him take those damn antibiotics, oh no... should I send him to school? Do I call the bus driver.... do you get the picture? I freak out.
So I kept bubs home today. He seemed to be ok, just a little congested, no fever, but not really cool as a cucumber either. He seemed to develop a 'head failing test' that he showed me. He happily shook his head back and forth, and smiled and said 'see, my head isn't failing anymore'. Who needs thermometers?
At any rate, I am going to have my 100th post celebration at another time. It will be a surprise.

Someone give this lady a xanax-STAT!

Ok, it's official, I have lost my ever loving mind. Let's preface this by saying it's been an unusually emotional day for some reason (is mars in retrograde or something?). Bubs goes to a 'typical' preschool three afternoons a week, with one of the assistant teachers going with him as a shadow. It must be said that this girl is a sweetheart, we love her, she is awesome. I am not particularly close with any of the moms, it's probably me and my neurosis, but I much prefer school socializing with my autism peeps. It might not be outrageous to say I have a wee chip on my shoulder, or perhaps I am just defensive. I am working on this as a person. I think I need to heal a chakra or two. At any rate, I just go and pick him up and get the hell out of there as fast as I can.
Today I was waiting on the line in front of the classroom to pick up bubs. Usually I am first, but today I wasn't. There is a little counter with the kid's mailboxes on it. Each kid has a little slot. I notice that all of the slots except for two have what look like party invites in them. I look and look and I notice that my bubs and this other kid don't have invites. The other kid happens to have a few issues (not dx with anything), but I know this from bubs' shadow that he has some trouble getting along with others. So at first a slight panic comes over me. Then I get angry, then I get hurt. How could these mean cruel mothers do this to MY SON! I am serious when I say that I had tears welling up in my eyes. I finally get to sign my precious child out of this godforsaken class and I was doubly relieved to see bubs' shadow give me the thumbs up signal from the corner of the room, letting me know that he was a 'good listener' and we could proceed to Michael's (arts and crafts store) to pick out and purchase desired reinforcers (today's pick was a gila monster and an octopus).
So we hustle out the door and I strap bubs in and wait patiently for beloved shadow to come out after all the parents have left the parking lot. I wonder if this is really worth the effort to continue this little charade at this point. I am trying to hold my tears back when I say 'I noticed the other children got party invites and bubs' cubby was empty'. She proceeded to pull out the invite out of her pocket and said that she held it for bubs because he wanted to open it and she didn't want him to in class. I felt like a big stupid ass. I also said I noticed 'the other kid' didn't get an invite either and she said it was his party. Duh. Big freakin DUH. I then went on to apologize and tell her that she must think I am a total nutjob. She being the complete angel that she is, smiled and told me she couldn't even begin to understand what I am going through and that she knows how worried I am. She told me that none of the kids would ever exclude bubs from a party and that they all love him. I just kept on feeling like a big ass.
I seriously need to start meditating. Not to get all new age on you, but this kind of thinking brings you nothing but bad energy.