Just keep swimming...

On a lighter note, in about a half an hour we are packing up the family unit and heading on over to our local arena for a rousing night of consumerism! We are going to see "Nemo on Ice". It's uncharted waters for us with regards to shows and stuff. The last time I attempted this was when bubs was 18 months old and we went to see some elmo fiasco. Bubs was watching tv one night and a commercial came on for the ice capades and he expressed interest in it. So I took a chance and got us 3 tickets for tonight. Considering the most exciting thing we do as a family these days is food shopping, I have been really looking forward to it. I think Bubs is too and I really hope he enjoys it! I hear they have an angler fish flashlight, which will be one of the highlights (hmm, no pun intended) of the evening.

Someone give this lady a xanax-STAT!

Ok, it's official, I have lost my ever loving mind. Let's preface this by saying it's been an unusually emotional day for some reason (is mars in retrograde or something?). Bubs goes to a 'typical' preschool three afternoons a week, with one of the assistant teachers going with him as a shadow. It must be said that this girl is a sweetheart, we love her, she is awesome. I am not particularly close with any of the moms, it's probably me and my neurosis, but I much prefer school socializing with my autism peeps. It might not be outrageous to say I have a wee chip on my shoulder, or perhaps I am just defensive. I am working on this as a person. I think I need to heal a chakra or two. At any rate, I just go and pick him up and get the hell out of there as fast as I can.
Today I was waiting on the line in front of the classroom to pick up bubs. Usually I am first, but today I wasn't. There is a little counter with the kid's mailboxes on it. Each kid has a little slot. I notice that all of the slots except for two have what look like party invites in them. I look and look and I notice that my bubs and this other kid don't have invites. The other kid happens to have a few issues (not dx with anything), but I know this from bubs' shadow that he has some trouble getting along with others. So at first a slight panic comes over me. Then I get angry, then I get hurt. How could these mean cruel mothers do this to MY SON! I am serious when I say that I had tears welling up in my eyes. I finally get to sign my precious child out of this godforsaken class and I was doubly relieved to see bubs' shadow give me the thumbs up signal from the corner of the room, letting me know that he was a 'good listener' and we could proceed to Michael's (arts and crafts store) to pick out and purchase desired reinforcers (today's pick was a gila monster and an octopus).
So we hustle out the door and I strap bubs in and wait patiently for beloved shadow to come out after all the parents have left the parking lot. I wonder if this is really worth the effort to continue this little charade at this point. I am trying to hold my tears back when I say 'I noticed the other children got party invites and bubs' cubby was empty'. She proceeded to pull out the invite out of her pocket and said that she held it for bubs because he wanted to open it and she didn't want him to in class. I felt like a big stupid ass. I also said I noticed 'the other kid' didn't get an invite either and she said it was his party. Duh. Big freakin DUH. I then went on to apologize and tell her that she must think I am a total nutjob. She being the complete angel that she is, smiled and told me she couldn't even begin to understand what I am going through and that she knows how worried I am. She told me that none of the kids would ever exclude bubs from a party and that they all love him. I just kept on feeling like a big ass.
I seriously need to start meditating. Not to get all new age on you, but this kind of thinking brings you nothing but bad energy.

My spirtual game of whack a mole

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps that is my faith, my religion or my reason for getting up in the morning, what have you. I struggle with control issues, big time. I know I have passed that trait on to my son. I have managed to get by, and I worry about how he is going to fare in this world. Not just because of his control issues,and somehow- asd aside (if that could ever be possible) I think it's a mother's job to worry. It's amazing since I am also a black belt at worrying, that I never really considered before becoming pregnant,the entirely vast realm of worry I would encounter as a mother. Ahh, who am I kidding, you could never prepare for this.
I think I am freaking out because kindergarten is looming on the horizon and I can't tell if it's the Goodyear blimp or a b-12 bomber. I am being told by the powers that be that bubs won't be able to attend his current school over the summer. That wasn't the situation I had in my head. I thought he would continue along and seamlessly transition to his new school in September. Wrong. So this change of plans is causing me much anxiety and all these questions keep popping up in my head regarding what the hell is going to happen for us. I am constantly having a mental argument with myself, like a mini cpse meeting going on with me coming up with all of these reasons why bubs needs to have his summer services. This in turn is causing me to focus in on all of bubs's weaknesses instead of strengths which in turn is causing me great angst. He is doing so well, working so hard and yet I am unable to remember the specifics of those at this particular moment in time. I am too busy seeing him lose his shit during his after school gym class, and not be able to sit in one place longer than five seconds, and shake his head back and forth visually tracking his bangs on his face. Agggggh, I hate this. Hate this!!!!

My poor bubs. I have got to get a grip on it. Yesterday he got off the bus so distraught. He usually skips off the bus and asks 'where are we going today?' but he was unusually quiet and reserved. I asked him how school was and he didn't say anything. I asked again (I guess that's where he gets it from) and he said 'I wasn't good at circle time today, I didn't get treasure box, I was sad, I cried'. My poor bubs. I think he too is feeling the pressure. I tried to get more info out of him, mainly if he was a good friend. I wanted to make sure he wasn't 'cha cha-ing' his friend or knocking down their block creations. He said he was. I later found out he was running around like a loony bird during musical chairs. The big problem came when they told him he wasn't getting treasure box. He flipped out. I think that is what he felt most bad about. While I felt terrible about this, I had to stop and remind myself that a year ago he wouldn't have been able to tell me that he actually went to circle time let alone how he felt about it.

My son has an internal cha cha

I don't know if I can explain this correctly. People that know bubs know exactly what I am talking about when I say he has an internal cha cha thing happening. It's like he has his own rhythm or pace and it's kind of like his own internal metronome. It starts at six a.m. when he is laying next to me on the bed completely incapable of not hitting or tapping me, to the ever present 'da da da-da da -dah'. I cannot seem to get him to stop smacking me around. It's really driving me nuts. It's not in anger, it's just something he does. I probably said 'stop that' too many times and it has now been elevated to 'attention seeking' status which is a royal pain in the ass to get rid of. Ok, so after I have been sufficiently abused out of my sleep deprived coma, we come downstairs and on the way down the steps bubs is singing a song, what kind of song you ask? Well it's a made up song, consisting of one word sung to the rhythm of da da da-da da dah, this morning in particular it was 'welcome welcome wel-come'. It seems to be pervasive (how's that for a word). We even have one for 'pee pee on the pot-ty'. I was thinking about this today, and wondering if I had some kind of internal theme happening for myself. Mine is like something that is need of new batteries, like the clock that runs really fast and then the next moment really slow. I guess I have a wonky metronome running my show. All I know is, there's no cha cha goin on.

'I'll be playing here all week'-vol 2, the junior version

My son likes to get up at the ass crack of dawn. He does not take after me in this respect. So this morning at 6 a.m. I am awakened by a figure standing very close to my head. Oh, I know that kid. So I scoop him up and place him so Oedipusly (or 'Electra-ish, whichever made up word you prefer) in between me and the husband. He is squirming and moving and tapping me and singing. He is basically trying anything to get our attention. Finally after a nice long thirty seconds of silence, we hear 'knock knock'. I know I am half in a coma, so I can guess big daddy is as well. 'Um, I said, knock knock', the little voice in between us says. 'KNOCK KNOCK' , one last time, slightly louder than the last two. So we oblige- 'who's there?'. 'Orange' he says. 'Orange who?', says us. 'Orange you going to get up and play with me?'. Perhaps I should teach him my tom jones joke?

I'll be playing here all week

My brother in law told me a joke. A joke that I could actually remember and repeat. Ok, here it goes:

This guy goes to his doctor. His doctor asks him how he is feeling and the guy says "I don't know doc, I can't get the song 'Delilah' out of my head. It is driving me nuts'. The doctor says to him 'it sounds to me like you have Tom Jones Syndrome.' The guy is alarmed and he says to his doc- 'gee, doctor, is it common?' The doctor pauses for a moment and says, 'well, it's not unusual'.

Badump bump. And on that note, I think I am heading off to sleep.
Once again, Happy New Year!

Resolutions, we don't need no stinkin resolutions!

First of all, Happy New Year!!! Second of all, I really am not a huge fan of new year's eve and all it's festivities. I never was and each year this time rolls around and I feel more and more guilty that I am not a party animal. So I will try and embrace this new year with some centering calm and un-self destructive thoughts. I really don't want to think about the dreaded resolutions. Even when you swear up and down that you won't be having any this year, they are still there like the evil thoughts that pop up when you are trying your hardest to not have evil thoughts (does this sound problematic to anyone?). I don't need any help coming up with a list of my shortcomings, especially at the end of a long and exhausting (and sometimes exhilarating and joyous) year. I carry an unwritten list of things I would love to change about myself at all times, it's in my makeup bag with my chapstick.
At any rate, I am sitting here on new year's eve with bubs. He is going to sleep in a little while. My husband has volunteered to work tonight and tomorrow and I am kind of bugged that he chose the almighty dollar over his blushing bride. I guess I should only be partly insulted because we really do need the money although I question if his working tonight would have made any difference in the big picture for us financially. It just doesn't feel right, even though we would have probably fallen asleep long before the ball dropped. I think I am going to make a list of all the things I am thankful for tonight and call it an end to 2007.
Happy New Years!!!!!