Somebody pinch me

This week has been generous in it's rewards. I almost afraid to write about it, as if by doing so I will walk out my door to retrieve my garbage pails and get sideswiped by a runaway bus making it's way down my street. It's the curse. But I must give thanks, I truly must.


For the mundane relatively unimportant stuff, I must bow down to my accountant and kiss her feet. We were really frantic the last couple of weeks, convinced we would owe large sums of money to the IRS. My husband has been working many many jobs so that we could try and get ahead on this treadmill we are on. We were afraid the plan would backfire due to him putting us in a new tax bracket and the lack of taxes being taken out at his part time jobs (they base it on what you make at each job, not a total). Throw in a desired trip to Europe and some credit card bills (and some wasted fruit) and you have a tense situation. At any rate, my husband called me last night to tell me that not only did we not owe money, we were actually getting a nice chunk back. For this I am grateful.

I also lost 6 pounds this week. Granted it was my first week back at weight watchers, and I have noticed that once a month I seem to lose 6 pounds (my system is wired that way) which I slowly gain back the rest of the time, I will still take the loss and run with it. My effort will lie in keeping this newest loss off till the next time it happens.

I can now purchase the boots I have been coveting without dipping into my change jug.


Ok, now to the more important stuff:


Bubs has had his evals this week. I know in my brain that the numbers don't mattter all that much. It doesn't define the wonderfulness that is my son. In my heart though, I really want everything to be good and moving in the right direction. My life right now, is all about bubs, and if he is successful, it means I am successful. He is successful and happy, but the needy little person inside me wants good eval results. I used to think I was an intrinsically motivated person, but perhaps I am moving on over to the external side.

Ok, so he had his psych eval on Monday. I haven't actually heard from the psychologist yet, she is supposed to get back to me when she has the report all written up. Good thing bubs' shadow was there because she told me everything. I promised her I would act surprised and I will deliver on that promise. I know my bubs is smart, I do. He is just not a compliant test taker. Apparently 3 years of aba has taught him some compliance because he went up 40 points on his i.q. test. Granted the last one was when he was three and he couldn't really speak. I don't think anyone actually informed me of that score, because I probably would have had a nervous breakdown upon hearing it. I just found out the old score because they compared it to the new one. I never thought I would experience such joy at hearing that my son scored in the avg range for i.q. (actually a little above avg, but that's the annoying externally motivated me saying that). AVERAGE, never thought of it as a beautiful word, but in this case it was, maybe more soothing and calming to my tortured mind. I really felt myself breathe that day, like unbuttoning your pants after you ate too much.

Wednesday he had a speech eval. I of course had to ask his teachers how that went. What is with the secrecy here people??? I didnt' get too much information other than he scored above average in the receptive and expressive realms. Ok, what? Come again???? This is a child who was in the second percentile for expressive and receptive speech at age 3. Second percentile. I always referred to him as having a 'speech delay', especially when forced to converse with other moms at the burger king skanky play structure, when they asked me what preschool he went to . I never named it, I just said it was a center for kids with speech delays. I guess that explanation is no longer going to work for me.

The thing is, I really can't seem to grasp this. I am having a hard time trying to understand how this will all matter to bubs and his programs. I have had over 3 years of amazing services, with abysmal reports about everything. This is the first time in bubs' short life that he has gotten results like this.I am afraid, very afraid. Happy and afraid at the same time.

Bubs still needs help. I don't want them taking his help away. On paper we are looking fine and dandy, but it's not the whole story. Are they going to listen to me?

I must add that I am still very grateful, very thankful and so very very proud of bubs. It is a lesson in hope for anyone who has little or none.