Aesthetics

Me: Did you have fun in preschool today?
Bubs: Yes.
Me: Did you make a project?
Bubs: Yes.
Me: What did you make?
Bubs: Something beautiful
Me: Oh, yes, what did you use to create this beautiful something? Paint, Markers?
Bubs: Crayon
Me: (fumbling through the pile of papers on the front seat of the car and locating said 'something beautiful) Oh, you are right, this is beautiful. What did you draw here?
Bubs: A lamprey eel.
Me: Oh, of course, of course it is a lamprey eel.

Small Talk

My husband and I got to go to a wedding last night. I honestly think the last wedding I went to was my own. Seriously. So we get all dolled up and wrote out our gigantic check (to cover our plates, I love that tradition) and went to the big wedding factory. I have to say I got a little overwhelmed. I am still a big ball of swirling emotions, and big events like this always add in a little anxiety. It was my husband's cousin's wedding, so it wasn't my home turf. I knew ahead of time that some mingling and schmoozing was going to be expected of me, and in my book that is considered work.
So we get there and start the obligatory travelling from relative to relative with the usual small talk topics of convo. I don't get into the particulars with bubs. If anyone asks how he is doing, I say 'great' and leave it at that. They don't know our story, they don't really need to, and my son is doing great, so no problem there. My husband introduces me to one guy, a random cousin I never met. Nice enough. He has three or four kids, and he asks us about our guy. We tell him and then he starts in on the 'are you having any more?' and we said no and the guy looked crushed. Like we kicked his dog or something. 'Oh, you have to have more' he says. 'No, we don't'. I say. God knows what my face looks like, I have a habit of gruesome facial expressions that don't always fit the crime. 'Oh, you really should have more, I keep beggin my wife for another'. I am thinking, 'listen buddy, did you have horrible postpartum depression bordering on psychosis, an infant who screamed bloody murder day and night who turned into a toddler who never looked at you, never spoke, never played with a toy, spinned wheels incessantly who later was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder requiring 19.5 hours of intense one on one service at your home in which you became a virtual prisoner, except for the twice weekly jaunts to the o.t. place? Did you become an obsessive parent constantly researching diets, supplements, recipes, therapies, etc., till you were on the verge of losing your ever loving mind'???????? Did you? Huh? No? I didn't think so. But I didn't say that. I just said " I am too old for another one". I would never ask another person that question. Gosh, I could have had secondary infertility, no ovaries, or something else wrong with my woman parts that were not any of his business or proper wedding convo.
Then of course this sparked the 'do you want another child?' convo that my husband and I have around three or four times a year. Not really what I thought we'd be discussing on our big night out, while a band played 'hips don't lie'. It makes me sad to know I won't be having another baby sometimes, but I also know it's a choice I made (with my husband)knowing how I am, how our marriage is, and what we can handle. I always hear that stupid saying about 'not regretting a child you had but regretting the child you never had'. I always envision myself as an old lady sitting in front of the tv with an afghan, watching wheel of fortune and just saying "I wish I had another child when I was forty one, why oh why didn't I have another child?". I am afraid I am going to regret it, but then the other intrusive, more real thoughts make their way in the door and I know I made the right choice, for us.

Sortin and classifyin....

I was watching the wonder that is bubs tonight playing happily in the tub and I felt the strong desire to document it. This is what bubs loves most in the world, to sit in a nice relaxing tub and sort his creatures. He told me he needed lots of bowls to make his aquariums, perhaps that was for my benefit, to try and persuade me of the functionality of it all. To be honest, I am not sure it ever occurred to me that this might not be the most functional way to play, but who am I to judge? Bubs' school has had me on the defense lately, we are struggling with rigidity and control and I am very hesitant about the way they are handling it. They actually use the term 'sabotage' in reference to purposely taking away the control from a controlling child. Yes, I get it in theory, but this is a person we are speaking about, my little sweet little controlling little guy they are messing with. It's been a rough week or so with regards to that. Still not sure how it is going to pan out. I have a team meeting on tuesday, I think I'll have a better idea then.

Back to the bliss- Bubs is very particular about what creatures come into the tub each night and he spends a great deal of time beforehand picking the winners and skimming over the undesirables (and don't kid yourself, one nights faves are another nights duds). He does make them talk to each other and tonight's big feat was making sure they all had a home. Sometimes he even runs discrete trials with them, I love it when he gives them positive reinforcement. Then he lined up all the aquariums into a little train, complete with a little caboose, and I noticed the head car was in a different direction. So clever. Once he completed his masterpiece he called me in ever so lovingly 'Moooooooommmmmm, come and sit on the potty'. I told him I was so proud of him I had to take a picture, so I did.

Intervention

Ok, it's official. I am a Jenny Craig dropout. I cannot say that I didn't give it a chance though. I started it in the beginning of October and hung in till now. I did manage to lose 12 lbs, but that ain't enough to justify the bucks it's costing me each week. I think I had an epiphany the other day. The key to losing weight is eating less and exercising more. Gee. Do you think I should get a patent on that idea? Somehow, I thought Jenny held the keys to the skinny kingdom, little did I know all she had to offer me was some frozen mac and cheese and mealy tasting vitamin bars. I realized recently that my half assed attempts at losing weight are not healthy for me, mentally and physically. I really have to get my mind straight in order to do this, and when (not if, I am affirming here, people!) I do , I don't need to spend large amounts of money on sub par food to do so. I did think it would help, maybe it did in some weird way.
So last night, I kind of felt a huge sigh of relief when I realized I didn't have to walk through the doors of the 'center' and feel like a big fat failure. That was my first thought. My next thought was, let's eat. Ok, I know that's not really a healthy way to proceed, but I have been really struggling the last few months and I am incredibly sick of eating pre packaged meals. I have to watch this though, I think I border on addiction when it comes to food. As soon as I decided I wasn't going back there, I made a mental list of all the things I would like to eat before I start the next phase of this journey. In my mind, I went overboard (and I had a few too many trader joe oreo's in the process). I was reminded of that scene in "Leaving Las Vegas" where Nicholas Cage's character decides he is going to drink himself to death and goes to that liquor supermarket and loads up on his poison. I know the first step in addressing a problem is realizing you have the problem in the first place, correct? I know I have been stuck on this step for quite a while now.
I did treat myself to Panera today for lunch. Ooooh, I have missed them so badly. I used to make a weekly date with myself to go and get a 'you pick two' combo and a huge refillable diet soda and sit there with a book and feel like a college student again. Jenny said I had to stop, so I did, even though a small bowl of soup and half a sandwich shouldn't be considered 'cheating'. So screw you Jenny, I am going back to weight watchers, I miss those damn points. I thought I would never say that. Now I just have to screen my calls because I know Jenny is going to be calling me (agressively).

Ducks in a row

I am not a puzzle piece kind of person, and I usually don't wear any 'autism gear',but I really liked the sentiment expressed by this one. My sister gave it to me and she got it from cafe press. I wore it for the first time today. When I got my son off the bus this afternoon, the first thing he said to me was 'I like your shirt, mom'. Now I really love this shirt. Either my son is incredibly perceptive, or he just liked the cute ducks. I prefer the first one.

Don't worry about a thing...

I feel like a big downer lately. It's a valley right now. Peak must be imminent soon, that's the cycle of life, right? It's usually around this time that I will hear 'Three little birds" on the radio and have some kind of epiphany.
I just started reading this book called "When things fall apart" by Pema Chodron. She is the first American woman ordained as a Buddhist Nun and she is a teacher at Gampo Abbey in Nova Scotia. I looked it up to see if I could perhaps pop in there for a weekend or so, to you know, get some inner peace. You have to commit to at least 6 months and probably shave your head. I will just try and read the book for now. While the book has a pretty grim title (and I have to admit, that is what drew me to it) it's about finding some sort of peace in the midst of turmoil. It's very simple and very difficult at the same time. I used to read books like this back in the day, all the time. Like candy. I just don't think I ever really absorbed any information from them. Plus the fact that while I have had serious bouts of depression and anxiety in my life, things really got monumental after I had a child. It's like whatever I felt before, intensified ten fold, both the joyful and the sad. So I guess, this book is all the more relevant to me now.
The thing with my husband is ok for now. Some lines of communication have opened. It will be ok. My bubs, well he is having some problems right now at school. Not sure if I am happy about the way the school is handling it, not sure how I am handling it. I realized last night while therapeutically crying my eyes out watching 'Celebrity Rehab', that this is just the way things are right now, I am fearful, it's making me sad, but I am not always going to feel this way, I am not alone, and this too shall pass.

Home from the theee a ter.

So we went to Ice Capades last night and we survived. I tend to look at these events as a risk, purely because I carry my own expectations of how things should go, how bubs should be, and generally, that's not the best way to take a risk. I guess I tend to take 'calculated risks'. That's only fair when the expectations are on me solely, not on another human being, particularly a little unpredictable four year old human being.
Putting my neurosis, expectations, yada yada, aside, I think we all had a great time. Bubs was entranced by the whole newness of it all. Going out after it's dark out, to a huge arena, the vendors (oh the vendors!) and all the people. As soon as we got in the doors we located the essential angler fish flashlight (a total bargain at only 18 dollars!). Then on the way to our seats, bubs asked for a sno cone in the collectible nemo cup. I had no idea he even knew what a sno cone was called. So ten bucks and one uneaten drippy sno cone later, we headed to our seats. Once seated, bubs was so excited to see all the people, not knowing what to expect. I was really afraid he wouldn't be able to sit, it's really hard for him to sit still for longer than, oh , two minutes. He did great with this. Once the show started he really seemed to be enjoying it. I think it confused him when everyone clapped after the first big number. He asked if it was over, which I thought was a valid question although I was afraid it meant that he wanted it to be over. He knows the story of Nemo, we can all quote lines from it because it was bubs' first introduction to the wonders of the sea. I don't know if he was following the story line, but he knew all of the characters. So yeah, I think he liked it, no tantrums were thrown, even when he asked for cotton candy (with the collectible nemo hat attached) and we politely declined. Not a verbal protest in sight. There was a little stimming, which is my fault because we need to get him a haircut. He has been shaking his head from side to side to feel his hair move and then visually tracking the bangs, which are too long. That can be taken care of quite easily and it will a.s.a.p. But that was it.

As far as the show goes, I have a very soft spot in my heart for Nemo- my bubs is my little nemo with his one short little fin. I also relate well to Marlin, we think alike. I got a little teary in the beginning of the show realizing that we were sitting there doing something I never thought we'd be able to do. I also got a little teary when Nemo and Dory were stuck in the mouth of the whale and Dory said that it was time for Marlin to let go. I agree with her.