What I am reading

When I used to teach high school back in the day, there were always a few select kids who were manga fanatics. I never understood the appeal, although I didn't look down on it as an art form. I personally found it bizarre and highly stylized. It was often difficult to get said students to draw anything other than these cartoon drawings with gigantic eyes.

Flash forward a some fifteen years later, and I find myself actually reading something manga, and being very moved by it. Of course it's probably the subject matter, which is autism, which draws me to it.

With the Light by Keiko Tobe is a series of graphic novels about raising a child with autism. It is a first hand account as far as I know, and I find it to be really amazingly good. It's definitely a newfangled way of reading for me, you start at the 'end' of the book and read from right to left, but I seem to be managing. It's a really different way of delving into a subject.

I am reading volume two only because borders books didn't have any of the others. It's about a family in Japan, with two children. The older son has autism and they have a younger daughter as well. I am up to the part where he is in elementary school. I have to say, for a comic book type setup, it's spot on in it's depiction of what it's like. I find myself on the verge of tears while reading, thinking 'yes, that's it!'. I like that kind of feeling.

I have blogging on the brain, and I wanted to share.

I think I've overslept.

That's how it feels. You know that frantic feeling you get after you wake up late, and realize that no, it's not Saturday.
Where have I been? I guess it's been hard to organize the frantic ramblings going on inside my brain as of late. I kind of lost my blogging zip due in no small part to my love affair with facebook. Add that to the fact that I suddenly realized there is no such thing as anonymity in this world, even with a silly name, and I kind of lost my taste for spilling my guts. I am sorry blogger, I abandoned you, but I am back and this time I promise I'll be good. I might be a little more anonymous this time around, I hope someone still reads this. I need contact, praise, reinforcement. I am needy.

We are still here, things have been moving along, some days are blissful, some days are stressful. I always feel like one blissful day is payback for two stressful ones. But that is my twisted sense of order, one must worry in order to insure that things work out OK in the end.

So I will continue to ramble on about my obsessions, and vent to cyberspace. I missed blogging, I missed sorting it all out. My husband asked me last night whatever happened to my blog and it got me thinking about it. So, here I am. Again.

Happy Holidays

That's it, no complaints, no insane stories of being verbally abused by psychotic men in parking lots, no holiday sadz, just a plain and simple happy holiday!

Have a wonderful time with your families, enjoy the time together!

Yeah, whatever....

I have been struggling with Christmas this year. I think me being an anxious type person, I have always kind of struggled with it. Don't get me wrong, my memories are happy. I come from a big Italian family and we had lots of wonderful times together. I think though as a kid, I recognized the planning involved and the sadness of it being over. As I get older, I really try to enjoy it, but it just seems to remind me of the passage of time, and in my attempts to relish each moment, I am reminded that we are all getting older and things are constantly moving forward, for better or for worse. Wow, that's really cheery and uplifting, isn't it? I am sorry. This is a very pathetic post. There are bright spots though. Watching my son get excited about Santa is really wonderful and I am very thankful for that. Very.

That said, today I decided I was done with Christmas shopping. I am sorry if there is any body who doesn't have a present. I am just not stepping foot into a store for a long time, well, actually it's the parking lot that I am going to avoid.

Today I ventured out to Toys R Us in search of the Indiana Jones Mr. Potatohead that my sweet nephew put on his list. Of course they did not have it. Why should they? Why should any store have what I need at this point. So I leave and walk to my car. As I get closer to my car, I see a guy roll his cart directly in front of the back end of my car. Look, I don't care if you go the extra mile and actually put your cart in the corral designed for them. I don't even expect that much out of humanity at this point. But for God's sake, wheel it out of the way, it takes just as much time. Well the guy goes back to his car, which is two cars away from mine, and is getting into it. I said to him 'why did you move your cart right in front of my car?'. It wasn't mean, or nasty, just direct. I really am not a confrontational person, I think I have stated that before. I just am direct.

Well, you would have thought I said 'Your momma wears combat boots' or something far worse because the guy went ballistic. Every curse word you ever wanted to hear came out of him. So I said 'Merry Christmas' and went into my car. He didn't stop. He then honked his car horn (repeatedly), rolled down his window and said 'why didn't you park further away you fat f*ck'-you need the exercise'. Really. I mean, you did not just say that to me? Over a shopping cart. He then rolled up his window and gave me the finger. Shocked. I was shocked. Then I was a little scared. He didn't pull out right away. I was afraid he was waiting for me. I quickly pulled out and went the other direction.

So then, I had to go to the supermarket. My husband had called me while I was there, as I started to tell him this story, I started to cry. I don't even know what people were thinking of me as I am telling my husband that someone called me a 'fat f*ck' with the ugly face crying happening. Ugh. I just don't know what the heck is the matter with some people. How angry can you be? Has life been that bad to you?

So I went home and ordered the damn potatohead on amazon. Thank you internet. I am never leaving my house again.

On Facebook...

I haven't been around much here lately. My site meter stats are sad. I was sucked into the vortex of total time waste that is facebook.

To be honest, about a month ago, I really didn't know what it was. I never caught on to the myspace craze either. I felt a little too 'long in the tooth' for that. One night I went out to dinner with some friends and they were talking about it, and a picture that one of my friends had posted of himself. I wanted to see the picture. So I signed up.

It was overwhelming at first. Also, seeing all the pictures of people I went to high school almost 25 years later was kind of frightening. It brought back lots of uncomfortable memories. I know it might be hard to believe, but I wasn't exactly popular. I also felt like I was coming down with early onset Alzheimer's due to the fact that I vaguely remembered half the people on there that I supposedly graduated with. The names were kind of familiar but the faces, no. It was strange.

Then I started a farm. I really don't need to start a farm. There are much better things I could be doing with my time. I get terribly caught up in things like that. I have a self imposed ban on all Sims games. I must not be allowed anywhere near a computer with that installed on it. You would not see me for a few days and I would emerge from a binge with a large red diamond spinning atop my head. Back in the day before any real responsibilities, I would come home from work and start playing that game, only to realize that I hadn't eaten dinner and it was now four in the morning and I would be getting ready for work in a couple of hours. I can't say I love that game, it really had some kind of sick power over me. I am veering off topic. I guess my point is that I have to watch myself with computer games.

It's all in the applications. Super Poke me, pass me a drink, throw me a snowball, help save the rain forest. How old am I again? Well, lol, roflmao, and all that other good stuff. Care to take a quiz? What, laundry? Later for that. Dinner? Have some cereal. I have to pick my virtual strawberries before they rot.

I think that I feel most depraved and voyeuristic when I am looking up other people's friends. Really bon, don't you have better things to do with your time? Isn't Dog the Bounty Hunter on? Sometimes though, you can find out some really interesting things. One of my facebook friends, has a friend on her page who, well, I can't really say what it is about her, other than she is not operating on the same system as I am. I have seen her 'in real life' dressed up in clothes that I have only seen in magazines, with makeup on that rivals boy george. So I took a peek into her world and dare I say I am really jealous of her assortment of friends. My proud little box of 27 friends pales in comparison to her pages and pages of semi famous faces. Some of them I didn't even know were people. I guess I always figured that Christian Loboutin (or however you spell his name) was just a figurehead for a bunch of shoe snobs who came up with the brilliant idea of red soles on really pricey pointy shoes. I didn't imagine he could possibly be a mere facebook account having mortal. There were more too, I think a few magazines, and Lindsey Lohan's girlfriend.

I could go on and on about this. Don't even get me started on the instant messaging feature. It's a little too stalkerish for me. There must be a way to not announce to your 27 friends that you are indeed wasting time on facebook. This prompts another time waster to contact you and waste even more time.

I don't know if I have any readers left. Probably after this post I won't for sure.

I think my son is a republican...

My friend Leslie had an Obama victory party today. I took bubs with me as my date, since my husband had to work. When we got to her house, I explained to him that we were going to celebrate our new president Barak Obama. I took him with me to vote, so we have discussed this before, and I know they talk about it in school. I didn't know to what extent, but I believe I do now.
After I told him about the cause for our party, he informed me that he no longer liked Barak Obama. He said, and I quote:

"Me and Zachary, we don't like Barak Obama".
"Why not? Said I.
"Because he is going to take away all my money and my toys". (I should add that he was really concerned about this!)
"Not all of them, I said, just 20%"- Ok, I didn't really say that. I don't remember what pearls of wisdom I offered up.(For the record, I did vote for Obama)

I was stunned on many levels. Stunned to know that my boy is discussing politics with a 2nd grader on the bus. Stunned at his ability to recall. Stunned that he seemed to sum up what my father has been trying to drill into me during the whole election, and probably stunned that he is able to have that kind of conversation with me, and stunned that I could have given birth to a conservative republican. I really do take it for granted that he is paying attention to what people say. That's scary- I better watch what I say around him.

It has been a tough week for me, I really appreciated this little conversation with my sweet son today.

Who's that knockin on my door????

It seems as if our past has not left us. I knew we were never safe from the old issues that haunt us, they are a part of us, the thread of our being. I guess you never are prepared for a slap in the face though, right?
Well, I can't be so sensitive. I tell myself that over and over again, but it is also part of my thread.
What's the matter? I got a phone call from the kindergarten teacher today. The phone call I was anxiously awaiting back in September. I was prepared for it back then. I thought since all this time has passed that we were safe. Hah.
The teacher wanted to touch base with me and inform me that my son has been an impulsive hyper fiasco the last three weeks. Those were not her words, and I am not mad at her at all. I know how my son can be and to be honest he has been off for a while. He gets up really early full of crazy unbridled energy. My parents noted it too the other day. We spent the day there and I got a 'boy, he never stops does he'. My father said he had to do a head count to make sure there wasn't more than one child in the room. The teacher said it seems impossible for him to sit still, he must be moving at all times and that it's becoming more and more difficult for him to get his work done. She also said he is up in other kid's faces. Ugh.
I know what she is saying, I also know that the kid has had someone on top of him since he was 18 mo of age. I kind of feared that this new found freedom would backfire. She feels he cannot help it. Me being ingrained with the behaviorist philosophy is not so sure. I think it's a combo of a few things operating. I think there is an adhd component, I think there is an immaturity component. I think there are significant ot/sensory issues that need to be addressed and I think there is the fact that my son is a self-directed control freak. I think he needs to have some support in place and I feared that taking it all away in June would somehow have negative impact on us, I think I am almost surprised it took this long to unfold. The honeymoon is over.

It's hard, it hurts, I feel like I am failing my son. But I also know that it's part of his personality, it's part of what makes him awesome, it's also part of what makes it hard for him. Is it spectrum? Is it adhd? Who the hell knows anymore. I just think it's time to take a step back and put some of the old things in place that helped. I suggested a token economy stat. Nothing whips my boy back into shape better than a little index card full of smiley faces with the promise of a treasure box. So she is going to do that on Monday. I also think some o.t. is in order. I would also like a social skills class to work on 'proximity issues'. Should I start writing a list to Santa? Here is where I slip into advocate mom mode. I will tap into my inner pit bull (in between crying).

It makes me so sad/anxious/horrified to think about my son not being able to function in his classroom. I don't want the kids not to like him. I was really worried about this and it seemed like as soon as I was able to relax a little bit, it busted open the door without a warning. I guess I needed to be humbled.

So we will plow on. My husband and I are really going to buckle down on the consistency and structure at home. It's going to be tense, my son is a real ballbuster sometimes and he knows how to play us. We haven't been real great in the past as co parents, we kind of do our own thing, but I think it's time for a united front.

I have thought long and hard about any thing different over the last few weeks, food wise, or otherwise. I can't seem to come up with anything. I pretty much fried my motherboard doing the gfcf biomedical protocol. I am wondering if we are dealing with anything in that realm. Maybe cod liver oil will make it all go away.....